Marty: How long.. how long have you two known each other?

Nigel: Well, we went to school together but we weren't.. we weren't university material--

David St. Hubbins: [talking to Nigel] What's-- what's that on your finger?

Nigel: this? oh that's my gum.

David: what's it doing on your finger?

Nigel: i might eat it later.

David: Well put it on the table! hah, that's terrible..

Nigel: haha, i might forget it on the table...

David: you can't go anywhere with him...

 

Marty: David St. Hubbins... I must admit I've never heard anybody with that name.
David: It's an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he's not a very well known saint.
Marty: Oh, there actually is, uh... there was a Saint Hubbins?
David: That's right, yes.
Marty: What was he the saint of?
David: He was the patron saint of quality footwear.

 

Nigel: Well, I suppose I could work in a shop of some kind or... or do um... freelance... selling of some sort of... um... product, you know...
Marty: A salesman, you think you...
Nigel: A salesman, like, mabye in a haberdasher, or maybe like a... um, a chapeau shop, or something... you know, like: "Would you... what size do you wear, sir?" and then you answer me.
Marty: Uh... seven and a quarter.
Nigel: "I think we have that... ", you see, something like that I could do.
Marty: Yeah... you think you'd be happy doing something like---
Nigel: "No! We're all out, do you wear black?", see, that sort of thing, I think I could probably muster up.
Marty: Yeah, do you think you'd be happy doing that?
Nigel: Well, I don't know, wh-wh-what are the hours?

[Asked to write his own epitaph]
David: Here lies David St. Hubbins... and why not?

 

David: I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem *may* have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being *crushed* by a *dwarf*. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.
Ian: I really think you're just making much too big a thing out of it.
Derek: Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.

---

David: We say, "Love your brother."..... well.... We don't say it really, but -
Nigel: We don't literally say it.
David: No, we don't say it.
Nigel: We don't really, actually mean it.
David: No, we don't believe it either, but -
Nigel: But we're not racists.
David: But that message should be clear.

---

Nigel: You can't really dust for vomit.

---

David: It's such a fine line between stupid, and- and...

Nigel: clever.

---

David: Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation.

---

David: Dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.

---

Nigel: It's like, how much more black could this be? and the answer is..... none....... None more black....

Jeanine: You don't do heavy metal in Dubly, you know.

Nigel: [sarcastically] i'm sorry... in what?

Jeanine: .. in Dubly...

Nigel: dubly? [starts to laugh]

David: she means Dolby...

Jeanine: oh.. dolby..

Nigel: [histarically laughs]

 

Nigel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and -
Marty: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?
Nigel: Exactly.
Marty: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
Marty: I don't know.
Nigel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
Marty: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
Nigel: [Pause] These go to eleven.

 

[Marty compliments Nigel on his skeleton tee shirt.]
Nigel: You like this?
Marty: It's very nice. It looks like hollow wood.
Nigel: This is my exact inner structure, done in a tee shirt. Exactly medically accurate. See?
Marty: So in other words if we were to take all your flesh and blood...
Nigel: Take them off. This is what you'd see.
Marty: It wouldn't be green though.
[Nigel points at Marty.]
Nigel: It is green. You see how your blood looks blue.
Marty: Yeah, well that's just the vein. That's the color of the vein. The blood is actually red.
Nigel: ....Oh then, maybe it's not green. Anyway this is what I sleep in sometimes